Memory Card
1
darkness bunches on the horizon
heavy curtain waiting to be pulled
across a sky
ripely deceptively
blue
birds dart
like small white thoughts
towards the longest night of the year
2
a day spent fighting
about everything
and nothing
words
come between us
barriers of twigs
in our lungs
in our hearts
3
anger is a kind
of falling
a kind of breaking
a kind of unmending
of what we have tried
clumsily
to mend
loneliness lives in us
making a meal of hope
licking its fingers
4
I keep words close
a knife
slung from the hip
the air is thick
and yellow as old bones
words carve a space
5
grief returns
a mixed blessing
like winter rain
greening the earth
with brutal spears
of grass
6
when I woke
one bird was going at it
like a choir
splashing in dawn
like a child in a kiddy pool
it’s only light
I think
burying my face
the covers smell of flesh
tail ends of dreams
7
days pass
glued together
quick and light
barely the thickness of
an autumn leaf
our child’s asleep
her breath as plump as grapes
I’m distracted
by the richness
of new life
even crocodiles
freshly hatched
mesmerize with their sweetness
their promise
8
when I finally
pried the locket open
frayed
around the edges
yellowed
as a leaf
a faded joy
dropped
into my palm
9
this is my life
I thought
though it felt like passing
from one dream
to another
both peopled by ghosts
soon I thought
soon
I’ll be awake
but ghosts protested
mouthed at me
as if I ought to care
about their grievances
their expectations
their suffering
their love
where had I picked them up
and how had they become
so permanent
10
one day I knew
I wasn’t a little girl
any longer
I could say yes or no
(or maybe)
with conviction
I could scream
if I wanted
or be still
I could love or hate
or both in the same moment
I could admit not understanding
anything
I could put my foot down
about something TERRIBLY IMPORTANT
only to me
I could risk your
heart shattering
disapproval
I could survive regret
but wouldn’t survive forever
and what I mended
could be torn again
11
we can’t make an omelet
without breaking eggs
you say
in your breezy way
except sometimes
the eggs are
sentient
and mind being cracked
but nature doesn’t give us
many options
you push the pan
this way and that
until you’ve formed
a perfect golden circle
we bless our feast
feed in grateful
uncomfortable
silence
12
even unraveled
crimped
the worse for wear
yarn fills hands
plumply
can be reknitted
time’s a different raw material
altogether
13
our old dog’s become
nocturnal as a lion
at night I hear his nails
rattling
in the corridor
his harsh sniffs
suck our smells
through the bedroom door
curls of his fur
cling to the rug like snails
his muzzle’s a blizzard
maybe if he weren’t here
I could imagine
we’re still young
pretend
our child’s asleep
in the next room
that we will hear her laughter
in the morning
14
in the same way
that pigeons remind me
of failed birds
you and I remind me of
failed people
gray lives
with only a touch of glitter
tipping from side to side
as we wander
pecking at remnants
of feasts
snapping up ants
that blunder
too far from safety
resting on wires
until startled skywards
by children’s shouts
15
words
trouble my heart
in the gathering heat
they become uncooperative
flee into shade
refuse to be interviewed
refuse to allow glimpses
into their history
their hopes
they are angry even
resentful
like shy girls plucked
out of nowhere
to spin straw into gold
to bring healing
no artifice, no magic
can deliver
16
then you said
there’s no getting away
from the facts of it
uncompromising
bones beneath the flesh
uncompromising selfness
of our thoughts
the longing
to articulate connections
this and that
sharing the same life
though nothing is shared
completely
tears are like snowflakes you said
all taste salty
but no two taste the same